Life still sucks...but it does get better!

I can't stop thinking about Ken and all he is missing out on by choosing to leave us.  Suicide is such a nasty, devasting thing to do to the family and friends you claim to love.  I know that the person who is struggling doesn't see it that way, but the rest of us do.  Not ever having been in a place so dark before it's hard to understand just what that feels like and the skew it creates for a person's thoughts and actions.


Today I'm going to the International Survivors of Suicide Day Conference in Sacramento.  Not really feeling up for a big emotional day, but I know it's important to my healing, coping, and understanding.  I really want to feel at peace, I need to feel at peace again.


The International Survivors of Suicide Day is always held on the third Saturday in November and helps to gather and comfort thousands of survivors of suicide loss around the world. Both the newly bereaved and those who are years out from their loss come together to remember and honor their loved ones and further build a community of survivors.

Today was my 50 & Fabulous Birthday party!  I am so overwhelmed by the tremendous gathering of friends and family to help celebrate my day and the launch of my new normal!  Thank you hardly seems adequate. 


My dear, dear friends since college hosted the party in their beautiful backyard.  We had food, drinks, firepits, a photo booth, and so much fun!  I am so blessed to have so many giving, caring people in my life.  Even through all the tragedy of these past months, I never lost sight of the fact that my life was meant to be lived and it is tremendously enriched by so many loving people.  To say thank you is hardly enough.


To see party pictures visit the 50 & Fabulous tab on the left.

Today I turned 50 and Ken wasn't here to enjoy my mom's Black Forest Cake. It was the one exception he made to sugary treats.


I wanted him to share my day. I wanted him to be here to tell my mom how good the cake was and hope she'd send the leftovers home with us.


There is a hole in my heart that Ken used to fill.  I think that hole will always be there now.  I love and miss him so much it hurts.

The big bright spot in first grandchild was born today!  A bit pre-mature...weighing in at a whopping 5.2lbs.  Love him to pieces already! 


And the best daughter and her fiance named him after Scotty Kenneth.  Welcome to the world little buddy!  Grandma can't wait to meet you little love!

Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated