Life still sucks...but it does get better!

Entry #16

I'm really tired...so tired my tired is tired.  All the focus on the Walk was wonderful and I am determined to advocate and educate, but it exhausts me.  My Life After Suicide Sucks Group is really helpful.  We all walk the same path and have most of the same hurts. There is so much comfort in our sharing.

 

Ken is never far from my thoughts and I keep wondering when this will end.  Not that I want to stop thinking about him mind you, just wondering when it will be less so that I can begin to feel like I'm healing and heading in the right direction.

 

My 50 & Fabulous birthday party is coming up and I really want to focus on this being the turning point.  This is a pivotal milestone on the road to recovery.  I'm trying so hard to make it be so.  If only I could turn off this damn movie that plays in my head so many times every day!

 

I've been battling a knee injury since July that can't seem to get diagnosed.  So on top of the mental upset, I'm not physically healthy either.  My dogs are not happy with mama having to spend so much time in the chair with her leg elevated in ice.  They want to go for walks and play.  I can barely hobble around on a good day without having my knee catch and going to the ground.

 

Found out today that we've lost another dear family friend.  I'd known her all my life.  Sadly, the cancer finally claimed her.  Her memorial service is going to be the same day as my birthday party, but it's out of town.  I just can't mentally go.  I know that sounds awful...she was a part of my whole life!  There has been so much loss this year, I just can't do it.  The pain of it all is still overwhelming.

 

And...the holidays are coming.

 

 

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Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

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14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

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04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

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14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated

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