I am determined to have peace in my life again.

They say when you go in for surgery that whatever you were thinking about when you went under is what you awaken thinking about.  Well as luck would have it, right before they were going to administer the anesthesia, the nurse asked if my husband was going to be picking me up and helping me out at home.  I got pretty teary-eyed when I said that my husband died by suicide 10 months to the day.  Of course she felt awful, but she couldn't have known my circumstance.  So as I was waking up I was thinking about Ken and crying. Damn.

 

The knee surgery was a success I am happy to say!  My orthopedic surgeon was one of the surgeons for the Sacramento Kings, so it had better have been done right!  My mom was pretty thrilled to meet him and she remembered him from the Kings' commercials.  Anyway he was very nice and everything went as expected.  Now facing 6-8 months to get my full capabilities back, but as long as the extreme pain and falling down is over, I can tackle just about anything!  Of course Dr. Reed did caution me that my age and weight will play factors in how quickly I recover.  Argh!

 

 

 

It's knee surgery day!  On top of everything else, since last July I've been battling a problem with my right knee.  Finally today is the day to fix the torn meniscus!  It's been an added burden on recovering not having my physical health.  I will be so happy to be done with this...my dogs will too!  More about my surgery on the other side! Fingers crossed this fixes my knee!

 

 

Today also marks 10 months since Ken's suicide.  I know I say this every month, but it truly seems like days, not months.  The pain and ache of loss is still very real, but I feel like the overwhelming days are lessening. 

 

My Life After Suicide Sucks group helps tremendously.  I find it extremely helpful to be able to get away from my grief by helping others who share this path.  I want to do everything I can to ease the burdens we carry as suicide loss survivors.  I've said it a million times...good has to come from this tragedy.

 

 

I made it through THE HOLIDAYS...phew.  While there were times that it wasn't easy, I just kept thinking that I didn't end my life so why should I stop living.  I need to stop feeling mired in grief.  I need for it not to be at the forefront of my mind, although I know it will always be there lurking.

 

There are still times when I'll pick up the phone to call Ken or feel the knee-jerk reaction to pick something up at the store for him.  My therapist once told me that was my subconscious trying to make things "normal" again. I've forgotten what normal is...like the meme says...Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.

 

But in spite of all the emotions still churning, I am getting stronger.  It's a daily concentrated effort and I think it always will be, but it is happening.  There is life after suicide that doesn't suck.

We know how bad 2013 sucked and now 2014 is here.  I am determined that this new year brings new promise of getting my life back. I am going to focus on all my blessings instead of all my losses!

 

My strength is returning and I will have peace. 

 

Happy New Year 2014!

Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

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14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

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04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

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14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated

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