I am determined to have peace in my life again.

Entry #23

I've hit bottom again...or maybe I never did and this is the first time. I don't know. I just feel empty inside.  I won't be returning to my job.  Financially it sucks, but emotionally it's for the best.  I cried the whole way there, knowing it wouldn't work for me to be in that place again. 


Been having a pity party for the last several days and it's time to get back up.  Time to get back up and face the Christmas holidays. Yippee.


Last Christmas, my last with Ken, was a nightmare.  Him screaming at me because I had the audacity to put gas in his truck and bring home biscuits and gravy for breakfast.  How dare I take his truck without permission?!?! So sad that he wasn't able to view it as a nice gesture and made it a screaming, hateful tirade about something so senseless.


I hadn't decorated for Christmas for the last few years...I just couldn't get excited about it.  This year I plan to.  Don't know how much I will do, but it's time for me to make the effort at being festive.  I've got the twinkle lights all around the porch for a start.  They look really nice and I like sitting in the yard and looking at them.


Went to an orthopedist for my knee finally and FINALLY have a diagnosis of the problem....torn meniscus.  Why couldn't anyone previously have figured it out?  Because they were all treating the symptoms, not the problem. Surgery scheduled for January.


The photo above was taken on our first married Christmas in 2007 while we were at my folk's house.  My daughter and I were so thankful to have our own little family.  Gosh we all were so filled with love and joy that day.  She and I gave Ken a wood cut-out that said HOME since we had bought a house and it was our first Christmas in it. It's like a punch to the gut when I look back at all of our photos, happy photos. I miss those times and those feelings. I miss Ken. Damn him for choosing to leave us.



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Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated

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