Every day is better...

I can't believe that 2015 went by and I never added a new entry!  I wish I could say that was because life was so fabulous there was no need.  Sadly that's not the case.  I still had my share of up days and down, and while there are far more good than bad, it still sucks.  It sucks to be reminded almost daily of this tremendous loss.  

 

There has not been one day since Ken's death that I haven't thought about him. But the good news is that for the most, the memories that come more immediately to mind are the happy ones, the good times we shared.  The fun we had and the joy we brought to others with our silliness!

 

That's my pearl of wisdom... focus on remembering your loved while they lived, not how they died.  May your memories bring you comfort and peace.

Entering into the fall season again.  Although it's still quite warm, there are a few tell-tale signs.

 

Spent most of the summer months moving...again.  Nothing takes it's toll on your mind and body like moving. This is the third time I've relocated in the months since Ken died. 

 

Most of his things are still in a friend's garage.  I'm in my new place for a while I think, so it's time to bring Ken's things home and go through them.  Still can't even begin to fathom doing it.  Hoping the memories are more peaceful than heartbreaking.

It's been a while since I've posted.

 

You know many people told me that the first year would be hard, but the second year would be worse.  I believe it now.

 

During the first year I think I was mostly numb. Dealing with the post-traumatic stress, grief, and craziness took its toll. I think so much of my thoughts were about Ken's death and how much of a struggle life had become for him.  Lots of "bad" memories about the negative things were closest to the surface.

 

I have to admit (and I'm ashamed to do so) there was a part of me that was relieved not to have to deal with it anymore.  Don't get me wrong...no part of me wanted Ken gone...I just wanted the turmoil to stop.  I wanted him to get help, learn to cope, find joy in life again.

 

The second year has been more about remembering all the good times, the fun things we did, the way we loved each other and our dogs, the joy we brought to others because we were so happy and silly in love.  So while the reminiscing brings happy tears and smiles, it also brings great sadness to know that those times are gone and we'll never make more memories. 

 

It's painful for all of us who loved Ken.

Sharing our love for Ken and spreading the message of hope, help, and healing.

Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

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14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

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04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

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14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated

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