Every day is better...

Entry #34

The first anniversary of Ken's death is here.  I'm looking forward to marking this date and being able to really commit whole heartedly to creating that new normal I've spoken of previously.

 

Ken took his life on the morning of March 23, 2013.  So I started March 23, 2014 at the place where his life ended on that tragic day.  I drove his beloved blue truck to the spot like I have on many other occasions.  The photo was the view from his truck.  I wondered what was going through his mind as he looked at the pine trees on the beautiful spring morning.  He didn't see the day as beautiful we now know.

 

This time I had the weapon he used with me.  I'd gotten it back from the sheriff's office a few months back.  I don't know why I did...I just knew that I needed to have it.  It was still wrapped up in the evidence bag as I had yet to open it.  I did this morning at the time Ken used it one year ago.  Such a simple little thing to inflict so much pain for so many.  It had been so long since I'd seen it that I had forgotten what it looked like. 

 

I started talking with Ken. Asking questions. Praying. Crying. Yelling.  Telling him how much I still love him and miss him every day.  For about an hour I went on needing to get out all the feelings I've experienced over the last year.  Explaining how his death has impacted us and getting mad for the hundredth time.  Then feeling so much saddness that Ken didn't feel like he had any option but suicide.

 

His pain ended that day, but for the rest of us it had just begun.  Time to head back home to my precious pups and get the car loaded for the KPW Memorial Dog Walk.  More later...

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Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

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14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

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04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

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14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated

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