Every day is better...

Entry #36

It's been a while since I've posted.

 

You know many people told me that the first year would be hard, but the second year would be worse.  I believe it now.

 

During the first year I think I was mostly numb. Dealing with the post-traumatic stress, grief, and craziness took its toll. I think so much of my thoughts were about Ken's death and how much of a struggle life had become for him.  Lots of "bad" memories about the negative things were closest to the surface.

 

I have to admit (and I'm ashamed to do so) there was a part of me that was relieved not to have to deal with it anymore.  Don't get me wrong...no part of me wanted Ken gone...I just wanted the turmoil to stop.  I wanted him to get help, learn to cope, find joy in life again.

 

The second year has been more about remembering all the good times, the fun things we did, the way we loved each other and our dogs, the joy we brought to others because we were so happy and silly in love.  So while the reminiscing brings happy tears and smiles, it also brings great sadness to know that those times are gone and we'll never make more memories. 

 

It's painful for all of us who loved Ken.

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Latest comments

01.10 | 11:30

It will be 13 years ago on 10/4 when my boyfriend chose suicide as a way out too. Thank you for sharing! ~ peace, love & light.

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14.04 | 06:43

Awesome blog. I am suicidal, on mess and see my shrink weekly. It helps to be reminded how much pain suicide inflicts on the family. thank you

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04.08 | 09:31

My thoughts are with you. I had two nephews commit suicide. Bryant was 32 and Keith was 30. Why why why!!???

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14.06 | 19:55

Ken's choice was not in anyway your fault. My step father of 33 years decided to hang himself at the age of 91. Heartbreaking, the grief is different- as stated

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